Today’s Pivot Year reading is talking about how we each have two rivers inside us. One is what we are told by society we should be (or our culture, family or anything else influencing us), and the other is our inner, soft, true self.
She says “Over time, we become consumed by the stiffness of trying to be what we are told, existing in contrast to the soft, effervescent truth living deep inside….” That hit hard. I do feel like I had this soft, gentle spirit and life’s events and traumas consumed me turning me into this hard, controlling, defensive person. I think I had a time in my life where I didn’t know how to let loose and experience life. It felt the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had two parents I wasn’t speaking with, a son in rehab, all while trying to keep my life together, love on my other children, hold together my marriage, work full time, volunteer and overall manage the household. I needed to monitor what they were doing on their phones and technology. What was in the shows and games they were watching? Who had time to just live with that all swirling in the back of my head.
Then she goes on to say “Our lives begin the day we choose to follow our inner knowing, even while hearing, at times heeding, the collective knowledge of the first…” This is the point where I think I am right now. Those times where I find myself participating in an activity that I have no desire to be doing because it more socially acceptable than what I want to be doing. I mean really, who of you are enjoying participating in the company parade? I would rather be out climbing a mountain, playing with my animals, smoking a joint, going for a run, skydiving, reading a great book while swinging in my hammock. My inner knowing wants to laugh in meetings with my leadership team, skip and sing out loud. I know life is short and I will only have this one life – maybe because I might have had many lives actually.
But then the book finishes with “The Journey is not about abandoning one in favor of the other, but knowing when it is time to listen to and to follow each.” Working on this because right now there is a lot of kicking oneself because you said or did the wrong thing in that situation. See me singing “Baby Got Back” to my co-workers. Is oversharing an OCD habit? I definitely have OCD. Also this is a self-diagnosis along with possibly ADD and facial blindness. All self-diagnosed. Actually diagnosed will not be shared until I at least know you a little better.
Other things about me… I am an oldest daughter. I have lived many places and I have travelled to many more. I feel really called to experience solitude but my crazy brain can’t handle that so my solution is to still my brain while moving my feet.
Tomorrow morning I will go for a run, followed up by the workout my son sent me.
Love ya. Till next time.
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