Huffing It

The day is almost over but I am getting this in under the radar.

Yesterday I was talking with my son about how when I was running I had to stop because I could tell I was about to throw up. His response was how he loves when he throws up because he worked his body past its limits – where growth occurs. I never thought that.

It is weird but for the first time I have this little voice inside me telling me that I can do anything. I feel like I could go backpacking and that is how I get hurt. Because I am delusional. But the other part of me says, I am not delusional that I can do it, just that it will be easy.

I just want to be outside and alone. I thought of the name “Huffing It” because I am walking every day and spending as much time outside as I can BUT it is HOT. Unbearable. Also, it just stormed so trees are down everywhere and it is muddy. So, it doesn’t feel like I am just hoofing it with my feet but also huffing and puffing the whole way. The same way I have approached life. Just pushing through. Never giving up.

That isn’t enough any more. I don’t want to huff. I want to be at peace and appreciate the moment. I want to be present and take it, not live for the future. My life is half over, no more putting off until tomorrow.

I read the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by: Greg McKeown recently and realize I have been letting others dictate my priorities. That must stop. I am working toward peace, time with people I love who show they love me in return, spending as much time outdoors walking while my body allows it, showing myself love, laughing and stop living so seriously.

In Today’s “Pivot Year” reading, it says “there is great power in not knowing… plan for the moment, the joy, the journey.” Exactly! No matter how I try to plan and control I don’t know everything – I cannot plan for everything. Once I recognize I can’t know and can’t control, I can let go. I am free.

This is a lesson I learn repeatedly. My wise wife says, “I will have another opportunity to learn that lesson if I didn’t learn it this time”. This is my doomed repeater. I learned this lesson at work and I learn it over and over with my children, all adults. I struggle and make myself miserable, while accomplishing nothing.

Today I commit to focus on today. I went on a hike today and saw a very cool fox and hundreds of deer. I look at the two deer in front of eyes, that I didn’t see until I got still. It was as if by getting myself and my mind still, everything around me stilled. Not because I am all powerful but because I notice what I am looking to reinforce for myself.

Today on my hike, in the middle of a large city, in the miserable heat, I felt peace. I didn’t need a mountain. Right now all is good. I am love toward myself and toward those around me. I will practice stillness and presence.